For Stalking purposes. That is all

In His eyes, I live a life of sin. I knew this was true but I guess it was more so than most, because Jesus visited me last night. He said, " Chunks, you live obliviously with a undeserving hatred towards me."

I interrupted Jesus, " I thought you were fake! You're real? What a dick move!"

Jesus said, "Son, I want to show you where your life is heading. An angel, with your way of thinking, was cast out. You know whom I speak of? "

"Pat Robertson?"

"Satan has his own domain. You shall be sent to Hell. For you do not know of what you speak of, but you will learn. Minutes will feel like years. Your senses will be enhanced, so pain will be increased to an indescribable level".

" If Hell is real, I don't wanna go! Can't I just stop being an asshole or something?"

"No, this is they only way you will learn."

So Jesus pulls out a long steel wand. It was encrusted in jewels at the head of the wand, but in a way so it totally didn't look gay. A rainbow colored portal opened and a wave of heat and the smell of sulfur filled my nose. Jesus pushed me into the portal. I didn't fall into a worm hole or anything. It was like I tripped and ended up in Hell. Didn't hurt at all. And my first thought was it wasn't that hot. Right away I thought maybe Jesus pushed me to the wrong place. It wasn't some 24-hour torture cave filled with blood, demons and ghouls. It looked like, Earth! There was some buildings and streets, even grass! Fucking grass in Hell! I also saw a man, dressed in a grey shirt and khaki cargo pants.

" Umm Jesus said I was going.."

"Yes, I know. You are in Laffinburger. It was never called Hell. Please refer to it's city by its current and orignal name. Well, there is a bar named Hell downtown, but it just opened and is ironically named" the man said.

"You are....?"

"Satan. Yes. But you didn't die? God sent you here?"

"No Jesus did. I'm going back, I think, once I find out how bad it is here or something. But doesn't seem that bad. What do I do? Do I torture someone?"

Satan replied, "No, you gotta get a job, but you're no slave. Just live, or don't. We don't really keep track at what you're doing. Since you're here though, you can sign up for some real estate deals that will really devlope by the time you actully get here. Legitimately."

"Well, I don't wanna be rude or, invoke your wrath, but is Heaven better?"

Satan laughed at the question, "I mean, in almost any situation you wanna shop and research your options but there is almost no difference. I mean, you can pay more for Fruity Pebbles, but the generic brand is cheaper, and I'm pretty sure the bag is more full. But you get to tell everyone you eat Fruity Pebbles. "

"Wow, is Heaven called Heaven?"

"Oh yeah. You kidding me? Of course. I don't know if you still hear about Golden Streets down there, but none of that shit is up in Heaven. I mean it uptown for sure, but not worth the prerequsites if you get what I mean. Work towards enlightement your whole life and live in a condo or do what you want, and live in a condo. It's just, damn He is a hell of a marketeer.

I was so confused and also laughed when Satan said hell. "Jesus, this is confusing!"

I was whisked away from Hell back to my apartment. Jesus stood infront of me.

"I sensed you are enlighted and heard you call my name son, do you now see?"

"Well, I wasn't saying your name, I was like 'JESUS!' like the expletive."

"I trust you will change your ways?" Jesus said with his nose in the air.

"All I want to do, is to put in for a upstairs aparmtent above that part I saw behind Satan. You kinda intrupted us."

I don't know if I woke up or Jesus rudely left without saying goodbye. I also do not know if Satan ever got my message. All I can do is draw a star on the ground, and pray.

Adam was the man. Not only because at one time he was the only man, but because he defeated obstacles that God put before him and resisted temptation. Adam worked hard on the garden and watched over it with vigilance and determination. Adam obeyed every rule God put before him, like not to eat from the Tree of Knowledge. Adam didn't care, there were fucking pineapple and banana trees. Fuck the apple tree of wisdom. Anyways, God thought he'd make a mate more suitable for Adam, so he didn't fuck all the animals.

God made a female Adam, and Adam named her Woman, "for this one was taken from a man". That's when shit goes south for Eden Garden. So, all the sudden this serpent pops out, who was not seen before the woman came into existence. Why do I make that point? Because the serpent KNEW that this new being was prone to persuasion and influence, more so that the man Adam. So he ends up tricking the woman Eve, into grabbing an apple off this Tree of Knowledge. She shares it with Adam like, "look at this fruit I found, it's totally not from that forbidden tree".

They get all high as shit, and start doing wacky shit that pisses off God. God knows the truth because you know that mother-fucker was watching. It's not like today where all this shit happens and he has to watch billions of people. There was just two fucking people. He was doing crosswords, golfing and blueprinting his future projects. So he curses Eve. He already planned on the female reproducing, duh. Be he made it so that she bleeds so much internally, it comes out of their vagina. Your fucking pussy is a hot pot, boiling over with blood, dripping and staining the oven top.

So, quit your bitching about your "curse". You earned it. It's your Red Badge of Weakness and Ineptness. You do not have the right to use it as a crutch. You do not have the right to use it against men. Deal with it quietly and for the remainder of your term, eternity !!

Post Script: Make me a pie.

Requested blog post: A woman asked me to write a blog about her.


I met this hot 18 year old chick at an after party one night. Well, not so much as hot as I had about 14 shots and 9 beers. Well, and not so much as 18 as multiply 18 by 3. But I totally hooked up with her. Some how we ended up at her place and I'm assuming I drove because she couldn't even talk. But when she did speak, here are some of her quotes: "Did you know the leaves on my Christmas tree never change? They...never..change!" "Lets have sex and...god I have to pee sooo bad!" "Did you think I was pretty before you were drunk?"

We walk and and sit on the couch and start at it. While she slobbing my knob she gags. I instantly smile, thinking it was my huge pipe, but she quickly corrected me, "like, did you ever choke on your own burp? Kinda threw up a little but I swallowed it. Now don't get all excited, I am not gonna swallow what you got hunny!" The woman then lays on the couch and I start to undress her. I notice there is a white pad stickered to her under ware. " Oh, you know, sometimes at my age, liquids and gases just don't stay in my body!" I was done. If I was any more flaccid my penis would fall off. I get up to leave and noticed a little dog sitting right next to the couch. "Enjoy the show little guy?" The women turns to her side and said, "She's blind she didn't see your small cock."

So, not only did my friends let me go home with an armadillo, but I was verbally abused, put down, and mentally scared for life, and on top of all that, I didn't get laid. Fuck My Life